Anxiety

Well, this is about the time of year I get in the mood to start blogging again. It’s the urge to write as November nears. Patience is not my strong suite. Obviously. The last two weeks of October are especially difficult. By this time, I’ve got my plot outlined, I’m researching information, I’m setting up my writing space… It’s like putting presents under the Christmas Tree two weeks early and telling the kid that they can’t be opened yet. Torture.

Most of the time, the urge is strongest when it’s the most inappropriate. I’m writing this in my Accounting I class with pen and paper, to be typed up later, for example. The closer I get to November, the less able I am to focus on school. It’s like…my entire High School career. All over again.

But this is quite the double-edged sword.

I am a “good girl.” I feel guilty if I don’t do my very best on everything I should. I feel guilty if I don’t apply myself to my full potential. That’s not to say I always do so, but I do feel guilty for not. And it’s not the itchy-in-the-back-of-my-mind kind of guilty. It’s the sick-to-my-stomach, panic attack inducing, bees-in-my-bones kind of guilty.

Here is a recent example of this phenomenon:
I have a nearly perfect score in my Accounting class. Last week, I took a “mental health” day. I didn’t realize that I was skipping on the day of the chapter test (Friday) until late Sunday night. Instant nausea. I dreaded having to face my teacher come Monday. EVEN THOUGH I knew that at the end of the semester, she is going to throw out the lowest test grade, so missing the test is not going to affect my final grade whatsoever. I was so upset, I never wanted to go back to class ever again. I wanted to curl up and hide for the whole next week! All because of a little guilt over skipping and missing a test (which won’t affect my grade). Seems ridiculous, right? Ah, but that is the nature of my anxiety.

A miniscule amount of stress generalizes to everything associated with the event which caused it. Being worried about being scolded for missing a test turns into AHGAWD I can’t even drive to school without hyperventilating. The act of walking to the building has me shaking so hard that I can’t unzip my jacket. I’m pouring sweat, my heart is pounding, and there’s a rushing in my ears that drowns out every other sound. At this point, if a single person so much as looks at me funny, I’ll probably turn right around and make a mad dash for my car and hunch into the fetal position in the backseat.

AND it escalates. Intellectually, I know I’m being ridiculous and that there is no need for all the dramatics. I can’t control what I feel, though, and my frustration only intensifies the effects. Soon, I’m a quivering pile of jello, about to burst into tears.

This happens roughly 2-3 times a week. Sometimes I can calm down in just a few hours, sometimes it lasts all day. Most of the time, it doesn’t matter whether or not I can calm down, because I have responsibilities to attend to, like my job.

I have coping methods. I have ways to make it through the bad days. But I’m miserable. Sometimes it makes me physically ill. That won’t change the fact that the rest of the world simply won’t stop just because I can’t handle life.

I’ve gotten plenty of advice from people, telling me to “try to ignore it.” Really? REALLY?? If I could just ignore it, don’t you think I WOULD? Yes, I realize that my paranoia of being judged and subsequently rejected by people and “attacked” is baseless and completely unfounded. I KNOW that. Doesn’t make it any more possible to ignore.

Here, why don’t you try this: go get yourself a giant spider. Find the most disgusting looking one, the hairiest, scariest spider you can imagine. Now set it on the back of your neck. Feel it crawling around, poking and itching. IGNORE IT. You’re fine, you know it won’t bite you, you know it can’t do anything to you…

So, how’s that working for ya? Can you ignore it? Or do you feel the undeniable urge to shriek and flail, knocking it away? Now spend the rest of the day like that. Feel like you’re going insane yet? Yeah, that’s what it’s like.

So, don’t tell me to try to ignore it. Or I might just slip a spider under your collar.